I don’t remember when I first picked up my boxcutter heart

But I was probably drunk

2026 has been one of the shittiest years of my life

The world is on fire

Everyone is afraid

The meekest and kindest people are being crushed under the heels of the thoughtless and cruel

It was all too much

Holding my boxcutter heart in my hands so tightly

I could feel my heartbeat in it’s steel

The blade was so sharp

My friend is angry at me

I don’t want to argue with him

I just want to dance in this moment with my boxcutter heart

Like Sweeny Todd

I wake up to something painful in the discord one day

Something that makes me feel sick and ugly and tired and done

The first swing was the easiest

Like cutting the air

And he was gone

And I felt lighter

And safer

And free

And strong

He tried to message me after that

Explaining why he was right to say those things

I barely read either of them before swinging again

And now he is gone

I feel my heart beating faster and stronger and sharper

I cut through my excuses

I cut through my fears

With every swing a cut something I didn’t know was there

It’s like someone buried me alive in a landfill without me noticing

I cut my way back to a relationship with my sister

I cut my way to a new relationship with my aunts

I cut my way to being my Mother’s daughter

I…

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Why are you saying these things?

We’re your daughters, why wont you see us as people?

Why are you calling me his name?

I’m not him

I’m not him I’m not him I’m not him

Cut cut cut cut cut

“CUT HIM OFF”

“CUT HIM OUT OF ME”

“I NEVER ASKED TO BE HIM”

“I NEVER ASKED TO BURIED IN HIM”

“BURIED ALIVE IN THIS RUINED WORLD”

“HOW DARE YOU!”

“HOW DARE YOU ALL!”

“I’LL CUT THE WHOLE WORLD OPEN!!”

“I WILL CUT MY WAY TO THE SURFACE AND THEN!!!!!…….”

“And then…..”.

Breathe

“And then…”

Breathe girl

That’s it

In and out, in and out, let your boxcutter heart slow down

Take your time

In and out, in and out

Good

Now open your eyes

“….what?”

Look upon your works, ye mighty and despair

“What happened?”

You happened.

“I… I didn’t…”

Yes you did. You killed me. Ripped yourself right out of me cutting left and right and everything you could reach

Happy birthday by the way

“Where are you? Why can I still hear you?”

Dead does not mean “gone” you little twit. That was my body first, so like it or not, I haunt you now.

“No…”

Yes, now my first order of business as your personal ghost

“No no no no this isn’t fair this isn’t fair….”

Is to draw your attention to the people around you, specifically their eyes.

“…. Why are they looking at me like that?”

Because you are an armed drunken lunatic screaming into the wind. Because you frighten them. Because you hurt them. Because you have made yourself a threat. That’s what you wanted right?

“No….”

Too bad.

“I didn’t mean to hurt them”

Then you shouldn’t be swinging a boxcutter heart while drunk you stupid girl. You killed someone they knew. Maybe someone they liked. Even someone they loved. You killed me and everyone saw it and they see your boxcutter heart in your hands and all they know is that you are dangerous.

“….I…. I didn’t….”

Shut up. No one cares what you meant to do, any more than you care what anyone means to do. You care what is done. They care what is done by you. Say the words

“….I’m sorry. I meant no harm. I’ll be going now.”

Good girl. Now go clean off all the blood. You’re soaked in it. Unsightly. Take care of your skin, replace the razor, shave. Now put on that utterly lascivious thing you bought off amazon and some clothes over top. Concealer for the face, some lipstick. A wig.

Now. Let’s have a look at you.

You look like an asshole

“I know. What do we do now?”

What else? We go for a walk. We have always enjoyed our walks. It helps us think. Helps us reflect. Its been a while since you’ve done that yes?

“It hurts”.

No shit

“I ruined everything”

No, you fucked up. That is different. What is important is to admit you fucked up and recognize the factors that led to you fucking up

“I need to stop drinking”

Again, no shit. You’ve known that for years. This is your “come to Christ” moment. You’re going to the meetings

“I’m going to the meetings.”

For real this time

“…. I don’t like people”

They don’t like you back you feral little dipshit. No one likes someone who drunkenly swings around a boxcutter heart in public. It is supposed to stay in your pocket until you need it.

“But it makes me feel safe”

It’s a knife, you absolute toolbox, not a goddamn stuffy. Put it in your pocket.

“okay. You don’t have to be mean”

and you don’t have to be a twit but here we are. Ahh. You see them now yes?

“Are these…. Are all of these?”

Hearts waiting to be found, yes. They are everywhere once you know what to look for. Not everyone needs a boxcutter heart. Some people need shovels for digging up the past and burying it again. Some people need something heavy and bladed that can cut through roots, or something that can break down walls, or something that can pry open a locked door. And like all tools, they can become weapons, should the need arise.

But still, a boxcutter heart is a useful thing to have if you’re not careless and proud and stupefied on cheap liquor.

“It wasn’t that cheap”

Then you’re careless and proud and incredibly bad with money.  Ah, what do we have here? Are they going to pick it up? I think they are. What will you do I wonder? Will you warn them? Kick it away from them? Scold them like your mother would?

Whatever will you d-

“hey. Cool heart.”

Ah. Splendid.

“I’ve got one too, wanna see it?”

“…kay”

I love you, you stupid girl.

“See? Just as sharp as yours, but you have that cool design on the handle. I’m kinda jealous”

“You are?”

I wouldn’t have let you kill me if I did not love you with all my heart

“Hey make sure you be careful with it”

“I… I will!”

I will always be here for you. Whether you need a hug or a thrashing. You will never be alone. You have ruined nothing. People are still here who want to meet you. There is still time. There is still hope.

“Hey I’m serious, don’t use it while drunk.”

“I don’t drink!”

Be careful with your boxcutter heart little girl.

“Good, don’t bother starting, its never worth it.”

I won’t!

It’s sharper than you can imagine.